“Though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again…” Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)
When I gave my life to Jesus, I wish I could say I never picked up alcohol again. But that isn’t my story.
For the first few years after I was saved, I struggled with relapse. Sometimes I would be doing well and then find myself drinking again. Each time came with disappointment, guilt, and shame. I loved Jesus. I wanted to live differently. So when I relapsed, it was easy to wonder how I could love God and still keep going back to something I knew was hurting me.
For a while, I thought relapse meant I was failing at recovery. But God began teaching me that recovery wasn’t going to be about never struggling again. It was going to be about what I did when I struggled. Would I hide in shame and give up, or would I get back up, be honest, and keep walking toward Him?
That is one of the things recovery has taught me: shame wants us to hide. It tells us we messed everything up, that everyone will be disappointed in us, and that there is no point in trying again. But hiding only kept me stuck longer. I had to learn to bring my failures into the light, take responsibility for them, and ask for help.
Every relapse also taught me something. I began recognizing the things underneath my desire to drink. I started seeing my triggers and the emotions I had spent years trying to numb. Through recovery, God began showing me that sobriety wasn’t just about putting down alcohol. There were wounds, behaviors, resentments, fears, and ways of thinking that needed healing too.
Most importantly, Jesus never stopped meeting me when I came back to Him. He didn’t tell me I had used up all my chances. He didn’t turn His back on me because I had fallen again. There were consequences to my choices, and there were things I needed to change, but His grace was still there.
Today, when I think about those first few years, I don’t see them as proof that Jesus hadn’t changed me. I see a woman learning how to live a completely different life after spending years running to alcohol whenever life hurt. God was teaching me how to get back up.
I’m sharing this because I know relapse is part of many people’s stories. Maybe it’s part of yours. If you’ve relapsed, please don’t let shame convince you that your recovery is over. Be honest about what happened. Reach out to someone safe. Look at what led you back there. And then get back up.
A relapse can be part of your story without becoming the end of your story.