Healing doesn’t always mean the past stops affecting you.
Sometimes you can be doing well, living a completely different life, surrounded by people who love you, and something happens that brings an old feeling rushing back. Suddenly there is anger, anxiety, fear, or the overwhelming need to get away. It can be confusing because you know you are safe now, but your mind and body don’t always seem to know it.
People sometimes call this narcissistic abuse syndrome. It isn’t an official medical diagnosis, but it is a term often used to describe the lasting emotional effects of prolonged narcissistic, controlling, or emotionally abusive relationships. Some of those effects can also look a lot like symptoms of PTSD.
When you spend years being manipulated, criticized, controlled, blamed, or made to question your own reality, you learn how to survive. You learn that your wants, needs and feelings don’t matter so much that you just become an empty shell of yourself. You do anything to keep the peace but it’s never enough.
Then you leave.
Life changes. You heal. You grow. You learn boundaries. Maybe you even find yourself surrounded by healthy love for the first time.But sometimes your body remembers what your heart has worked so hard to heal.
A person, a voice, a place, a conversation, or even being physically close to someone connected to that painful time can bring feelings back without warning. Your heart may race. You may become angry or anxious. You might feel trapped or desperately want to leave. Later, you may replay everything in your mind and wonder why you reacted so strongly.
I’m learning that a trigger does not erase my healing. It doesn’t mean I’m back where I started. It doesn’t mean my past still owns me. It means there are places inside me that are still healing.
I’m also learning that forgiveness does not require unlimited access to me. Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have to pretend something didn’t hurt me. I can forgive and still have boundaries. I can love people and still protect my peace. I can follow Jesus and acknowledge that some experiences left wounds that need time, prayer, wisdom, and healing.
One verse I keep coming back to is:
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 NIV
God isn’t ashamed of the places in me that still hurt. He isn’t disappointed when something triggers an old wound. He knows where those wounds came from, and He knows how deeply they go.
So when the past suddenly feels close again, I’m learning not to condemn myself for my reaction. Instead, I can stop and ask, “What is hurting right now? What am I afraid of? What do I need to bring to God?”
Healing isn’t pretending the past never happened. Healing is realizing that the past happened, but it doesn’t get to decide where I’m going. And when an old wound hurts again, I can bring that wound back to the One who has been healing me all along.